For about 5 weeks, I have been teaching at a low-income, low-performing, high-needs school just north of Denver. And for about 5 weeks, my life has been turned upside down. I have been entrenched in the most difficult job of my life trying to teach geography to 7th graders, most of whom speak Spanish at home, live in the neighboring trailer parks, wear sweatshirts in lieu of the winter jackets they should be wearing in 5 degree weather, and get most if not all of their nutrition from the school-provided meals, and to far too many of whom have a parent (or parents) in jail, have been expelled from previous schools, or simply read/write at a 3rd grade level. I show up around 6:45/7am and force myself to leave by 6pm most days. I take work home, neglect my family, neglect myself, and don't sleep.
Day in and day out is a battle - how can I teach students important lessons that will help them prepare for life outside of middle school? How can I make difficult subjects understandable and comprehensible to students who may not speak English well or to those who don't even want to be in my room? How do I feel safe when our school is on lockout because of gang-related issues (mind you, we are a K-8 school)? How do I teach a 12 year old to care about herself? How do I continue to show how much I care when students disrespect me, their classmates, and themselves on a daily basis? How do I show empathy to a student whose dad was put back in jail yesterday? How do I rejoice with the student whose mom was just released from jail after three months? How do I not feel like a failure when only 3 people seem to be listening/caring about the lesson I spent two hours planning? And mostly, how do I ignore the reality that these kids go home to every single night and pretend that yes, they should indeed be prepared, focused, and on-task in my classroom?
My decision to quit the relatively easy job I was in was not an easy one. They had welcomed me back after going to grad school when needing to delay my move to teaching after Benjamin arrived. They were good to me. They let me work on the days I had daycare. They paid me very well. I was really good at my job. On really easy days, I could browse the celebrity tabloids and shop online. And they paid me very well. But an opportunity came up, and all of a sudden it felt like God was knocking on my heart. Our pastor had been talking about "God's Will" - that elusive idea that each of us wonder about from time to time. What am I supposed to be doing with my life? What is God's plan for me? His blog post on the topic can be found here - and I highly recommend it. Here's a quick excerpt:
God’s will, or what God wants, is the
reconciliation of all things on earth or and in heaven. God’s will, what
God desires, is that all men and women would be saved, and that none
would suffer. God’s deep desire is the redemption, renewal and
restoration of all things. He wants this so badly that Jesus shed his
blood and gave his life so that he could restore peace and wholeness to
our broken world. The biblical writers call this good news.
The amazing thing is not only
does God want this, but he invites us to join with him in his work in
this world. Simply put: God’s will for us is that we join with him in
his redemptive work in this world. Which reframes our question about
knowing and doing God’s will.
Knowing, doing and being in God’s will
begins with looking at our lives and asking, “Are there places where we
see ourselves joining with God in his redemptive work in this world?” We
can ask this question in the many important decisions that face us in
life – whether that be colleges, jobs, spouses, relocating, careers.
We do not have to grope about blindly in
prayer hoping we hit some cosmic bulls eye called God’s will. We are
freed to ask, “Will this decision allow me to participate more fully in
God’s redemptive work in this world?” This lends tremendous freedom when
it comes to making choices, and doing God’s will.
And so here I was, faced with something that would allow me the chance to enter regularly into the redemptive work that God is doing in the hearts and lives of under-privileged people in my very own city. Other things also seemed to line up: I already knew two teachers in the school which would help my transition, the commute (there) is only 17 minutes, and it was a real, continuing job (i.e. not long-term substitute). And all of a sudden, it seemed like duh. This is where I need to be. This is God's will for me.
Cut to today, and I've wanted to quit almost every single day. In fact, I told one of the principals that I would indeed be quitting at the end of the semester. Every single day has been an uphill battle. Every single day I have cried. Every single day there has been a power struggle with students. Every single day I've wondered if I've added anything to the lives/brains of my students. Every single day I fail. And I have seen very few "signs" that I made the right decision.
But I didn't quit. And that in itself was a difficult decision.
I've decided to stick it out and take the small glimpses of hope and encouragement I've seen in the eyes of my awesome students and run with it. It's not about me anymore. (And yes, I need to learn how to not be a crazy person and neglect my personal life) But it's about hope. It's about redemption. Two things that most of my students know very little about. I want to give them the tools to create a path for themselves in this world. To be someone that they didn't know they could be. To reach for goals they didn't even know existed. To teach them that they matter just as much as the rest of us do. To change their worldview into one of cans instead of cannots. Yes, it will be difficult. But I guess I forgot that God never said it would be easy.
Every night kids around the world just like my students go home to homes without food, without proper clothing, without basic necessities. Every night kids around the world just like my students fight battles with alcoholic or abusive parents, many of whom are still kids themselves. Every night kids around the world just like my students go to work to help support their families.
But we don't take to social media about this. We don't stage rallies. We don't even pass tax increases to help the very students who need it most (I have not even received a paycheck yet and have already spent countless dollars on basic supplies for my classroom....). But don't worry, Jesus, you'll sure be proud of the way we got angry about that dude from Duck Dynasty.
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