But there is also the non-peachy side to life these days.... and I sometimes wonder how new moms and dads make it through! It's as though God didn't think it was enough to simply adjust to having a new life around, making your twosome into a threesome, but He wanted to make sure you could juggle about 19 other things at the same time. Nevermind that life is still whirling on all around us (it is??)!
So, to balance out my usually chipper posts, here are some of the things we've also been dealing with lately (in addition to all the adorable looks, the sweet kisses, the cute outfits, and all the LOVE from Benjamin):
- This one's obvious: no sleep. Matt (you know, not having boobs), gets to sleep through much of the night only getting up briefly during the feedings if I need him for something, but I, on the other hand, am practically a walking zombie. I treasure the naps I can get (I think I'm up to 2 since BW's been born!!). I'm not even sure if I make sense when I talk to Matt anymore.
- Crying. And no, not just Benjamin's. I think I've cried more in the past week than I have in the past year. There's so much constantly weighing on my mind, and add that to the point above, and you've basically got a mom on the verge of tears at any moment.
- Loss of contact with the rest of the world (temporarily). We'd been preparing ourselves for not getting to see our friends quite as much right away and missing out on fun events taking place, but it's still hard to remember and realize that life keeps going on without you - fun times and all (wait, I thought we were the fun-makers?!?). And let's be honest, I miss talking to people, but I also have 21 voicemails currently awaiting my listening (yes, 21 - I am a BAD person!), and that is just too much for me right now! Frankly, I have a hard enough time trying to jot down how the last feeding went and wait, did I brush my teeth today? Answering the phone is tough enough, and answering the voicemails and emails I have seems almost impossible right now.
- Loss of control. This is a tough one for me (and the reason I hate flying so much). But I've learned, quickly, that there is no control to be had at this point in motherhood. I want so badly to be the best mom possible, to breastfeed perfectly, to give BW exactly what he needs when he needs it, to know that I'm not scarring him for life. But there's just no way I can meet all of my own expectations when almost everything is out of my hands. This lack of control is uncomfortable for me. Add this to the no sleep and crying things... and you can see that I'm kind of a mess!
- Pain. Yep, five days out and I'm still in a lot of pain. Pain from unsuccessful laboring, pain from the c-section, pain from my body trying to adjust, pain from breastfeeding... Again, with the sleep, crying, and loss of control, pain is just icing on the cake!
- Fear. I've realized that I have a lot of fears in this new role as a mom. Am I making good decisions? Am I doing what's best for BW? How on earth will I do this without Matt when he goes back to work? (And for another few days: Will he be sick??) After fighting with BW for about an hour at 3am, I gave up trying to force something on him (my boob, which he clearly wanted absolutely nothing to do with) that I wanted so badly to happen and realized that he just needed to eat. Period. Yet giving him formula somehow made me feel like such a failure, like my body had failed me once again. Fear crept in telling me that I wasn't doing all that I could, and that the pacifier and bottles we'd had to use to this point to keep weight on him had turned him against me (and my boobs). And so I wept. Yep, 3am with baby sucking on a bottle of formula in arm, and I just cried and cried. Is formula the worst thing in the world? Absolutely not. I think it just represented so many other things in that moment (see: loss of control), and somehow these fears are just things I have to come to terms with. (side note: I had a surgery about ten years ago that left me somewhat in the dark as to whether or not I'd be able to breastfeed. I'm trying to remember that it's out of my hands, but I'm still doing everything I can to make it happen if my body will cooperate) I know I'm trying my hardest, and that's all I can do.
- No energy. This is probably obvious given everything I've mentioned above. But still, it's tough when there's so much going on and that needs to be done.
To preserve a little sanity, we went to my favorite place today: Target. There's just something about roaming those aisles (and usually walking away with way more than the five things that were originally on your list... I mean, I promise we went there for toilet paper yet wound up with half a cart full of things we apparently needed). BW was a trooper!
Oh Ali, I just want to come give you a big hug. Everything you write is very normal!!!! So don't be too hard on yourself. It's a very hard life transition. Feeding and rest are definitely the most important things right now but then it becomes a vicious cycle bc you are feeding all the time and not sleeping! But you need sleep to keep going! When Riley was born I knew nursing would not be an option bc with Mason it was just too difficult for both of us. So with Riley after pumping for 3 weeks I went to all formula. I was a happier more rested mom which made for a happier more rested babe. Keep that in mind... BW needs a healthy mom more than her boob :) ( ok this is all my opinion and life experience, but had to share.) (and something I have learned after the fact is when you use the formula use a whey protein based rather than a casein based powder; whey can be digested much easier.) :) Thank you for continuing to post how it is going. It's very healthy to write about all that is happening and changing. :)
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE AMAZING!! BW is a lucky little guy to have such fantabulous parents. And we are all lucky that we know them too. Love y'all!!
ReplyDeleteAs a mom who desperately tried everything in order to breastfeed for 3 months and then pumped until 5, I know how you feel. It is so hard! But don't ever feel bad for giving him a bottle, it works, it's a relief much needed for the two of you, and if he's really going to BF, then the occasional bottle (and paci) use won't hurt those efforts at all. And if he doesn't, you can still give him your marvelous breastmilk if you figure out the pumping thing. You're doing great, your insanity is temporary, and sleep will return... eventually.
ReplyDeleteAli, you're doing a great job! And I agree with Sarah that all those feelings are NORMAL! But still hard to manage and cope with...I know. We love you and are praying for you! Jesus is right there with you giving you a little bit more energy you'll need to get through the next decison :)
ReplyDeleteHi. I just logged in to say the EXACT same thing as Kristen. You are doing a GREAT job and what you're feeling is all normal. Keep talking to people, giving yourself grace and realize not every decision we make is as big as it seems. He is seriously so precious and beautiful, and God knew what he was doing when he gave him to you. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Don't return texts or voicemail! People will give you grace. And yay for Target. That was the first place we ventured out too...it soothes the soul. Reach out if you need it, until then, you're doing great and it gets MUCH easier. You will learn to trust your own instinct and not feel so "zombie-ish." ;)
ReplyDeleteAli, I agree with all the ladies above... your body is full of all sorts of hormones, plus the lack of sleep plus the fact that there are all sorts of external pressures telling you how you should be doing stuff. Hang in there, they start to sleep when they're supposed to sleep, and you'll learn how to deal with your new 'normal.' And of course, we've all been there. Call us to vent, or to cry, or for advice. We're here for you.
ReplyDeleteDo they still make "breast/nipple shields? Flat round rubber things with soft nipples in the middle. Put that on you breast and baby sucks like a champ. I had to use them the whole time I nursed our son (many years ago) it was a life & tear saver. Maybe they don't have them anymore...I got mine at the hospital from a kind nurse who grew tired of watching Md struggle & cry...trying to nurse my son.
ReplyDeleteBlessings...Mari Boyd (an "old friend" of your mom-in-law, Pam